How good are you at handling criticism?

Criticism can be upsetting, knock your confidence, and make you feel angry or defensive. However, if you develop a knack for handling criticism well, it can also be a valuable and necessary part of learning.

Handling criticism better

It’s said that ‘sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you’. However, anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of criticism knows that words can be painful too. If you think you’re too sensitive to criticism, or you’re dealing with a critical person, ask yourself these questions to turn the situation to your advantage.

Is the criticism valid?

It’s always a good idea to check if a critic is making a fair point, even if they are expressing it hurtfully or harshly. Especially if others agree with them, they might be pointing out an area where you can genuinely improve your actions or performance. Ask different people what they think, and not just those you know will rush to your defence. That may feel good, but it won’t help you honestly evaluate the point being made.

Try not to take it personally, even if it feels that way

This is hard. Criticism, especially if it’s unfair, feels personal. But evaluating criticism logically instead of emotionally can be helpful. Even if you decide the critic is right, don’t worry. Everyone makes mistakes or sometimes performs at less than their best. It doesn’t mean there’s anything intrinsically wrong with you, and knowing about a problem is a good thing because then you can fix it. Learning new things is always useful.

If the criticism really hurt you, talking it out with a friend is more constructive than beginning a long-term feud with your critic. Or try writing a list of things you know you’re good at to boost your confidence and self-esteem.

Trust your own judgement

Balance the critic’s advice with your own knowledge. The difference in opinion might be just that, a matter of personal taste. Or they might be wrong, especially if they’re not someone whose opinion you’d usually trust. It’s a good idea to think about criticism, but you are not obliged to act on it if you decide it’s not fair or accurate.

It’s also possible that the issue might not be under your control; I can remember giving a talk on stress management to a group and the only criticism made on the ‘happy sheets’ at the end was how scruffy and unprofessional the flip chart was. Unfortunately, it had been provided by the host, not by me! If this happens, you just have to decide to let it go.

Stay calm

Getting upset or angry will turn the criticism into an argument, especially if the critic themselves is annoyed or defensive already. Maintain steady, slow breathing and think before you react. Thank the critic for their opinion and say you’ll consider it, reminding yourself that this does not mean you have to agree with them or take their advice. (And, if they’re deliberately trying to provoke you, thanking them will take the wind out of their sails!)

It is often useful to pause and plan any other response before making it. This is fairly easy if you’re communicating on email or social media. If you are face-to-face or on the phone, try saying something like, ‘Thanks for your views, I will think about them and get back to you’.

Avoid responding publicly

If you’re criticised in public (for example, on social media or at work where lots of people are around), don’t argue the point in front of others. Being too defensive might imply the same issue often arises, or having an audience might encourage the other party to escalate their criticism just to get attention.

Say you would like to take the discussion to a private space – a quiet spot in the office, or personal messaging. Of course, if the critic is a stranger, especially online, you don’t need to respond at all. Block the sender, and if the criticism is very unpleasant, report it as spam.

Laugh it off

If someone points out a minor error like a typo, it’s often possible to turn it into a joke. Aim the joke at yourself, not at the critic.

Don’t use this method if someone’s genuinely hurt by your actions, even if it was an accident. In this case, you need to take their feelings seriously. If you do make a hurtful error, apologise and don’t try to deflect blame onto the offended party. Acknowledge the mistake, be sincere in your apology, correct the error, and move on.

Get help if you need it

If you feel that you take criticism too much to heart, and have difficulty letting go of the hurt, please get in touch as I can help you find better ways of coping and responding.