Assertiveness techniques to use every day

Assertiveness is an important communication skill because it helps you stand up for yourself in a positive and non-confrontational way. People who are aggressive or who bully others attempt to win and get their own way even at the expense of others. Assertiveness is cooperative – a way to find balance and a good solution for all concerned. To be assertive, you need to confidently express your own preferences at the same time as respecting those of others.

By being assertive, you can work better with others, and improve your interpersonal skills. Listening and taking account of other points of view helps your relationships at work and at home. In turn, this can help you feel less anxious and more confident, and give you better problem-solving skills.

How to be more assertive

David Rock, CEO of Results Coaching International, designed the SCARF model to define five concerns which affect all people:

• STATUS (how important we feel we are to those around us),
• CERTAINTY (how confident we can be about the future),
• AUTONOMY (how much control we think we have over our circumstances),
• RELATEDNESS (personal factors like trust, empathy, and safety around others),
• FAIRNESS (how fairly we believe we and others are being treated).

Undermining these things can make people agressive, or anxious, because they feel defensive. As a first step to being more assertive, work out which of these areas are most important to you. The situations in which you feel defensive or threatened are where you will need to practice responding calmly and assertively.

Watch how colleagues and family members respond to each concern as well, especially if you get into conflict with someone a lot. It will tell you when you need to use your new assertiveness skills to defuse those situations in future.

In short, understanding what’s important to you and those around you is the first step to finding compromises that meet both your needs.

The differences between assertiveness and aggression

We should all be able to express our views and feelings. Unfortunately, some people are more likely to be seen as aggressive than others when they do so. The Centre for Creative Leadership found that women are twice as likely as men to be described as “bossy” by colleagues [1], and they are criticised about aggressive behaviour in 75.5% of their performance reviews. The figure for men is just 2.5% [2].

People of colour, especially black people, are also likely to be perceived as aggressive, especially when they respond negatively to offensive comments or actions. Not conforming to white social standards can have similar effect, for example, a black woman who straightens her hair will tend to be perceived more favourably than one who doesn’t [3].

Assertiveness helps to avoid these miundertandings. Stanford University’s study found that women received three times as many promotions when they were able to ‘self-monitor’ and vary their behaviour depending on circumstances [4].

Assertiveness training: techniques and exercises

1. Ask questions instead of making statements to express your views without attacking the other person. So instead of saying, ‘That won’t work’ (however true that is!), try ‘That’s an interesting idea, but have you considered that it would have the following effect?’ or ‘That might work, but do you think doing it this way would also solve this other problem?’

2. Assetive negotation involves finding common ground wherever possible. Letting the other person speak first can often make them more open to listening to you. While they are speaking, look for places where your views overlap, so you can start there in your response. (Agreeing with someone tends to make it harder for them to be overbearing or to ignore you.) So start with something like, ‘I really like your idea about how to do X, I wonder if we need to look at Y as well?’

3. Don’t confuse assertiveness with passive aggression. Avoid behaviours like sarcasm, rudeness through body language, and agreeing with someone now but disagreeing later (especially if it’s behind their back). This will result in people not trusting you and will make it less likely that you will get what you want.

4. A good method to practice assertiveness is the LADDER method. Follow these steps:

• LOOK at the situation; consider the needs of those involved and the possible outcomes,
• ARRANGE a meeting between those involved – choose a good time, resolve stress factors,
• DEFINE the problem clearly and exactly,
• DESCRIBE your feelings, but ensure you …
• EXPRESS them clearly and politely,
• REINFORCE your ideas; discuss the potential positive results.

5. To increase your chances of success, set a positive mood. Make sure nobody involved is hungry or sleepy or otherwise likely to be irritable. Make sure your discussion is at a convenient time and no one is too busy or distracted, and ensure everyone has had time to prepare. It’s easier to remain calm when you are managing your stress well; see elsewhere on this site for tips about that.

6. Take the initiative in arranging a discussion and don’t assume others know how you’re feeling. They may not know you think there’s a problem, or understand what that problem is (even if it’s really obvious to you). However, as said above, it might be wise to let them speak first once the discussion is underway. Try this:

You: ‘Thank you for agreeing to this chat. I feel we need to talk about …’ (State the topic briefly.)
Them: ‘I don’t think it’s a problem, because …’ (Let them explain their side.)
You: ‘You have a point, but I do think it could become a problem because …’ (Explain your side.)

7. When explaining something, provide enough detail for the other person to understand the issue, but don’t overwhelm them. They can always ask for more inforamtion if they need it. Be straightforward and do not go off on tangents. At all costs, avoid bringing in past arguments on this or other issues.

8. Don’t sugar-coat the situation or apologise for your own thoughts to spare someone’s feelings. This (of course) doesn’t mean you should deliberately hurt or upset them, or turn the discussion into a personal attack. Using ‘I’ statements is a good way to do this, for example, ‘When you say that, I feel undervalued’ instead of ‘You never show me any respect’.

9. Stay aware of your body language; keep eye contact without glaring, keep your tone firm and even, and do not raise your voice. Assertive posture is smooth movements, a relaxed but upright body, a firm stance, and appropriate (not exaggerated) gestures. Hold an open posture; arms at your sides or held out rather than folded, palms out rather than in fists. Remember to smile!

10. Keep up the assertive attitude even if the other person doesn’t! If they get angry or passive-aggressive, don’t let them draw you into a fight. Do not insult, yell at, or threaten the other person, use foul language, or lose your temper.

11. Criticise actions, not the people. For example, say ‘I was very hurt when you called me that’, and not ‘You are horribly rude’. Aim for negotiation and compromise. Don’t try to force the other person to do things your way. You want them to seriously consider and respect your views so show them the same consideration.

12. Plan in advance what you really want to get out of the discussion. Decide what you would definitely be prepared to give to get it, and what you might give if you had to. This will help you find a compromise. If they really won’t or can’t move on the issue, agree to end the discussion for now rather than get angry. Think about enlisting the help of a third party who can mediate between you.

13. If the other person does get aggressive, use a technique called fogging. Avoid getting aggressive yourself, or defensive, by finding something you can agree with, even if it’s criticising you. Something like, ‘Yes, I am late and I can see that’s upset you. I’m sorry for that.’

14. Never promise change (or anything else) if you don’t intend to follow through.

And if you need help developing these skills, please get in touch. Some life coaching sessions can help you improve your communication skills.