How to stop being a perfectionist

Do you need to stop being a perfectionist? Do you dismiss your efforts if they aren’t 100% right? Most of us recognise that perfectionism can make it harder to achieve anything, but recent studies have shown there is a better way. Healthy striving is the positive version of perfectionism, and it leads to a healthier state of mind. Want to know how?

Perfectionists often claim that, without perfectionism, they won’t be successful. But being a perfectionist often leads to procrastination (putting things off) because it makes you fear failure. If you can stop being a perfectionist and become a healthy striver you are much more likely to get results.

Holding yourself to impossible standards means you count everything even slightly imperfect as a ‘failure’ so failing becomes pretty much inevitable. A healthy striver thinks of imperfection as an opportunity to learn and improve and enjoys and values the process of doing something rather than just the end goal.

Valuing effort and growth over achievement is definitely the key to achieving more. Here’s how to tell the difference.

Am I a perfectionist?

You may be a perfectionist if you have one or more of the following characteristics.

• Fear of failure and its consequences (disapproval, preventing you from reaching further goals, etc),
• Obsessing over failure or mistakes,
• Being defensive,
• Comparing yourself (usually unfavourably) to everyone else,
• Depression, dissatisfaction, feeling unworthy or worthless,
• Not starting projects you fear won’t go well (which may be all of them!),
• Believing you can and should easily conquer every problem,

Signs of healthy striving

You are a healthy striver if you have the following characteristics.

• Enjoying the process,
• Fixing and learning from mistakes and carrying on,
• Appreciating and using constructive criticism,
• Setting reasonable goals and finishing them before moving on to the next,
• Learning from failure and trying again,

Perfectionism causes cognitive distortions. These are ways of thinking that are based on negativity and which may not even be accurate. An example would be assuming you must have done something wrong when your boss asks to speak to you, even though you know you haven’t. This type of thought pattern can lead to depression and anxiety.

How to become a healthy striver

• If you’re a perfectionist, you might think of a mistake at work (we all make them) as showing that all of your work must be just as bad as that bit, and mistakes might feel much more important than they really are. Try looking critically at your negative thoughts, and separate facts from opinions; ‘I didn’t do very well on that’ versus ‘I’m useless’. Try imagining that the facts apply to another person and ask if you would call your best friend useless for that particular error.
• Remind yourself that a whole project doesn’t have to be perfect the first time. It isn’t always possible to hold a whole complicated idea in your head at once; writing down ideas will help you see what parts need working on. Another pair of eyes on your notes will help too – ask a friend. If you’re struggling, try approaching the idea in a different way, or break the task down into smaller pieces.
• Focus on the bigger picture as well as the details. Yes, details can be important. But they can also make you lose sight of your end goals and why you want them.
• Don’t let the odd mistake put you off. Finding it means it can be solved. Everyone makes mistakes and has blind spots. Apologise if necessary, and graciously respond to any offer to fix the problem (you don’t have to accept help if you don’t feel it’s necessary, but refuse politely).
• If you really feel bad, remember much bigger mistakes than yours have been put right. The Hubble Telescope was nearly useless when it originally went up because of a tiny mistake in the lens. But with a bit of creativity, it was corrected.

With practice, you can stop being a perfectionist, view mistakes as chances to learn, and appreciate when you did your best. Remember you don’t have to deal with worry alone; talk to a friend, or to a therapist: and if you want help or support as you swap your perfectionism for healthy striving, please get in touch.