So you want to feel “normal”?

Therapists- and not just the hypno kind – avoid the word ‘normal’ because it can sound judgemental, and is not easy to define. But I’m going to explore it here because it is used a lot by clients, who come into my office and say ‘I just want to be normal’. The trick to achieving it is for both of us to understand exactly what that means.

Do you feel different?

Often what people mean when they say they want to be normal is that at the moment they feel ‘different’ in some way.

Feeling different from what other people do, feel or think
The difficulty with this one is that we never really know what other people are thinking or feeling. We see them skipping through life apparently without too much trouble, and assume that they are as much in control as they appear. Often this isn’t the case. Clients with public speaking phobias, for example, often tell me they hate doing presentations but no one at work is aware of it as they hide it well.

Actually, phobias like this respond well to hypnotherapy and, if you banish them, life becomes much more comfortable. But just consider for a moment – who else in the room is doing exactly the same as you – appearing fine but ‘hiding it well’? And how many people would have to share your concerns to make that ‘normal’?

Feeling different from ourselves
This could mean different from how we think we should be, or how we believe we usually are. Depression or stress can sometimes bring about this feeling and are worth investigating. Ask yourself a few questions…

• If you feel you are different from how you usually are, what changed? When? What was going on in your life at that time? In what ways are you different now?
• If you feel different from how you should be, who or what decides what’s acceptable? If it’s not you, do you agree with them? Is it actually possible, or realistic, to be that way? All the time? Have you ever been what you feel you should be?

These can be hard questions, but a therapist is well-placed to help you answer them if you’re struggling.

Square pegs and round holes

You have to remember that ‘normal’ is different for different people and at different times. At one point it was normal to believe the world was flat, although these days you’d probably get some funny looks. What about spending your weekends at Star Trek conventions in full make-up and costume?* Becoming an accountant?* 

Where exactly does ‘normal’ stop and something else begin?

Going along with the norms of a particular group at the appropriate times (e.g. Star Trek fans mostly don’t wear their costumes to the office) can help. It bonds you with friends, defines your social groups, and makes you feel accepted and valued. (My daughter plans to wear her fandom tee shirt to her first day at college. She hopes it will help her find some like-minded people.)

Ironically, being ‘the right sort of different’ can help in similar ways. What if you are the tallest man (or woman) in the world? Or the winner of X-factor? You could become famous, do personal appearances, meet other celebrities, get recognised in the street and so on.

Sometimes all you have to do is extend your boundaries a bit. Recognise that you are perfectly fine, but that you need to place more value on who and what you are. If you struggle with this, you may be affected by low confidence or self-esteem, and again a therapist can help you.

Feeling out of control

Sometimes extreme or negative thinking gets a hold of us and we can’t seem to make it stop. This is really a concern for people who have panic attacks, who often fear they are dying or having a heart attack when the panic hits. But it can happen at other times too like running away from a tiny spider, overeating, smoking and so on.

Whether it’s thoughts or behaviour, feeling out of control can cause you to worry about your mental health or feel ‘not normal’. In this case, recognise that some part of your mind is controlling those reactions, and it probably thinks there’s a good reason to do or feel those things. Reassure yourself that your mind can learn to react differently. Getting control may be something you can do with support from family and friends, tips from blogs like this one, or a GP or therapist.

How to be “normal”

So where does this leave us? Hopefully, with a better understanding of why talking about normal is so complicated.

But if that is what you’re looking for, start with what do you mean by ‘normal’? Really break it down and define it.  How will you know when you are there? What’s the first step you can take towards it?

And if you need my help to achieve it give me a call.

*Before anyone says anything, I like Star Trek. My favourite is Voyager, although I have never been to a convention. I also like doing my accounts. There’s no judgement going on here, they’re just examples!