If you’ve got this far on my site, you might be thinking of making some changes in your life. So why is it that many people know their lives could change for the better, but don’t call a therapist for help?
If you lived here …
Have you driven past a new housing estate with a sign that says, ‘If you lived here, you’d be home by now?’. Therapy is a bit like that. If you’d had hypnotherapy a year ago, maybe you’d be happier or healthier by now.
Most clients who come to see me have had their problem for some time. They’ve lived with it, or around it, or just plain avoided whatever situation makes it kick in. It’s familiar to keep dealing with things the same way, even if it’s not particularly pleasant.
Fear of change
Often the real problem is that the thought of making a big change in your life can be scary. Our minds like us to live in predictable patterns because we know what to expect and when. Look at this example.
Fred lives with constant anxiety and worry. It stops him from enjoying family gatherings and limits his social life. But with the help of some mild medication and a few basic techniques, Fred’s learned to live around the restrictions.
Unfortunately, dealing with the anxiety takes up a fair bit of Fred’s mental and physical energy. It makes him unwilling to take on anything new or outside his comfort zone. That, of course, would include starting therapy. Fred knows that therapy would get rid of the anxiety and make life happier in the long run. But somehow, he never seems to get around to calling a therapist and booking an appointment.
This kind of thinking, of course, is very understandable. But it leads to inertia (a tendency to do nothing) and it stops Fred from improving the situation. And he’s not alone.
Top reasons people don’t see a therapist
- The problem doesn’t seem that bad – it feels easier to live with it than it is to do something about it.
- The problem is overwhelming – you’re not confident you can be helped at all.
- The problem seems inevitable – you’ve lived with it for so long that it’s hard to imagine what life would be without it.
- Others have told you that what’s bothering you is trivial, or not worth doing anything about, or even that they have it too, and (of course) they have it worse!
- Others nag you about doing something (often true of smokers in particular) and you don’t want to give in to pressure.
- You worry about the time and effort involved, or the thought of change and confronting your problems is scary.
- You’re not sure what kind of therapy would be the best one for you, so you can’t make a decision to start any of them.
All of these thoughts, and others, can be genuine reasons for not reaching out for help, but they can also sometimes be excuses. If you want life to change, you have to be honest with yourself about which is which.
How to overcome inertia and call a therapist
If you identify with Fred, or any of the other reasons I’ve mentioned for not improving your life, there are things you can do about it.
- Be really clear in your own mind on what you want to achieve. The clearer your goals are the easier it is to get help with them.
- Make a list. Instead of focusing only on the reasons not to take therapy, list all the reasons you have for picking up that phone, and all the reasons you have for doing nothing. Which is the most important to you? Which will make you happier in a year’s time?
- Find something that will shake up your thinking enough to motivate you to take action right now. Karl Lewin [1] said we get ‘frozen’ in inertia and need something important to happen before we change. I’ve seen this in clients who decide to quit smoking when a new baby is on the way or to deal with their spider phobia before a holiday to Australia, where the pesky beasties come much bigger than they do at home. However, if you can’t find anything like this, it may not matter. A good therapist will be able to help you find the right motivators.
- Make a real commitment. Decide on a specific time and day to make those calls or send out those emails. Don’t let yourself get distracted.
- Ask around to see if you know anyone who has used a therapist. A personal recommendation is a good start.
- Otherwise, reach out to a number of different therapists, or people offering different therapies and see what they say about how they could help. I have an article on choosing the best therapist for you HERE which might help, but often it’s a matter of ‘going with your gut’.
Remember that doing something about a problem is nearly always better than doing nothing.
Many therapists offer a free initial consultation (I call mine a ‘discovery session’) so you can meet them if you want to, before deciding how to go ahead.
Are you ready to call a therapist and make that move? Contact me here.
References Accessed 6.1.21
[1] https://daringtolivefully.com/overcome-inertia
Author: Debbie Waller is a professional therapist, specialising in stress, anxiety and related issues, including gut-directed hypnotherapy to help with the symptoms of IBS. She also offers EMDR/Blast which is used for trauma, PTSD, phobias and OCD. For more information on any of these services, phone 01977 678593.
Researcher: Rae Waller is an experienced researcher and writer with a special interest in mental health issues. Rae offers drafting, fact-checking, proofreading, and editing for anything from a leaflet to a website, a blog or a book, and can also provide diversity reading, especially for LGBTQ+ and autism-related issues. Please contact rae@debbiewaller.com for further information.